out on a limb

"fortune"      click to view

I'm here in Cartagena, gazing at Z page this week "fortune" and triggered in me is a dream I had as a kid, tucked away in my memory banks, dwelling there as a feeling, like so many others, and now is recollecting a few images to the surface.  This dream's feeling connects with the image at right of Z page of the swirly figure on a platform on high.  In the dream, which I had around 5 years old (hey in my last post I was around 5 too!), it was dark as night, and there was an knowing in me that there existed no day, and so I translated it as being in "space."  Funny to experience being in "outer space" during a subconscious experience that is truly that of inner space.  But maybe there really is no linear separation, and maybe that was one of the communications from the dream.

So, I am my same age in the dream, around 5 (not that I really had any concept of being little though), and I am... after a whole adventure in this space station like building, with large windows for walls looking out into the great darkness peppered with city ... the adventure being some kind of strategic mission to escape from some regulated system appearing as a game that all the people were fervently engaged... me knowing that I had to get out and proceeded to slip away through corridors and in between levels, up and down and all around the building until at last I find my way outside... via a small capsule that flies me away, but not too far before dropping me on this small platform that seems to be floating in space, I can't tell if something is supporting it from underneath or not...  I have made it to the outside, but now I am alone, isolated in vastness, and hanging in the balance on this small diameter of a surface... as other capsules wisp on by...¦ still I know that I rather be out here surrounded by dense nothingness than captive inside the structure where they play the system or rather the system plays them.  I figure that my way is the lone way.


A few months later my dad took me to see the 2nd Star Wars movie, The Empire Strikes Back, and I was triggered suddenly back into this very dream by the scene at the end of the movie when Luke, after fighting his dark side dad all through out the cloud city structure, ends up stranded and balancing for his life on this pole in the middle of space.  I was stunned!  The feeling I got from this moment in the movie was so much like my dream, one I couldn't even yet put into words.  Undoubtedly seeing Star Wars the year before ( my 1st movie!) influenced any idea I had of outer space and most likely helped shape my projections of space in my dreams.  But then to see this particular scenario coming at me from the great big screen felt so... intimate, as if life was sending me a message.  ...Luke's buddies thankfully end up locating him and picking him up from his isolated precarious limbo.  Luke had been on a solo pilgrimage for most of this chapter, facing the truth of his gifts -or light, and the truth his origins -or darkness, both proving to be very powerful.  I remember feeling a joyful peace, understanding that although he could only forge his journey on his own, that he also had a team of earnest buddies that had his back.  I didn't know who mine were yet, but at once I felt accompanied, supported in my universe.  I remember proudly confirming to myself that I wasn't afraid to go out on a limb on my own.



∞ ceci
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Tata

Today my grandma Tata is 99 years alive.....................................!!

Tata

When I was a super little cec I called her Tata, because I couldn't quite mouth "abuelita" which is of course "grandma" in spanish.  That became her name, even for my younger cousins.  As with all my family, Tata is from Colombia and she has lived in either Cartagena or Bogota all her life.  She was present for my birth in Mountain View, California in 1974 (the day after Tata's Bday in fact!) and stayed for a while then.... and when my parents split a couple years later she came to back to stay with me and my mom when I was 2 to 3 three years old.  My mom was working a lot and so it was me and Tata, discovering the world together; she was unfamiliar with the U.S. and I was unfamiliar with any place and so it was new and wild to us both.  Tata didn't speak engligh and I didn't speak spanish but we formed our own unspoken communication.  We gained an understanding and a intutive closeness.  A couple years later, when I was 5, I was sent to Cartagena for the summer, all on my own, to both sides of my family.  They were my family but I hardly knew a few of them, and most none at all.  But Tata was my anchor.  Not only did we have an established connection, she was the only one who was truly present with me, spoke and listened to me like a person, had a special sensibility to my needs, and understood that I was already quite independent by this age and so didn't treat me like baby.  I hadn't grown up with any Colombian culture, food, or speaking spanish so it was challenging for me... and my family who expected me to be the Colombian of my blood, but I was so very much "gringa."  I did learn spanish in those 3 months and I returned to Cartagena every summer of my youth.  Every time Tata was my bedrock.  Summers away from my parents were tough, but it was great to get to know my family and this city... and I thank god for every day with my Tata... and how amazing is it that at 36 years old (which I turn tomorrow) that I get to continue to enjoy her company!  I didn't get to grow up with her close by, but the days we get together continue to add up and I am so grateful.  Thanks to Tata who has taken such good care of herself, and thanks to her radiant health.  At 99 she has no imbalances in mind or body, not even arthritis.  Only her walking and hearing has dimmed somewhat, but she actually remains incredibly strong and agile.  Her mind and awareness are so sharp, so keen, it's mind blowing.  And she just told me that the glasses she wears don't actually help much her to see or read, she just like to wear them because she thinks they help her look nice... so her eyesight rocks too!  Tata loves to stay up late, most nights till past midnight.  Just last night as I was fading at our late night dinner table out on the town, Tata was all riled up, totally outlasting me!  Well she has outlasted most, born in 1911 ...it's fascinating to think about how the world has transformed in unimaginable ways all around her during these 99 years.

"fortune"       click to view

Last night we took a "paseo" around "El Centro" the old colonial city center of Cartagena and visited all the houses she grew up in 'till she was 30 years old.  Story after story after story flowed from her as we walked (her in a sleek transport chair we just got for her).  It was awesome.  It was just Tata and my mom and I, the 3 of us generations of daughters.  I am so grateful to both these women for the risks they took and dreams they worked so hard to realize, making it possible for me to live a life of choice and creative freedom.  Being with them both this week, listening to my abuelita's stories, receiving her wisdom, receiving my own great blessings, and being so ever grateful for my life... this is my great fortune.


happy new year Tata!  Te quiero con todo mi alma. 
∞ ceci
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week twenty>> "fortune"

"fortune" click to view

Hello from Cartagena Colombia! I am here visiting my grandma Tata and celebrating her birthday of 99 years alive, and how grateful I am for how alive she is...! Her robust health has made it possible for us to enjoy more days of life together, during our precious visits to each other in my lifetime, as I was born and raised in California and she was born and lives in Cartagena. At 99 and counting she is in radiant health sustaining her sharp and sound mind. Her body had slowed some, but her vitality, reflexes, and strength endure. She was born in 1911 before automobiles, refrigeration, or even the phone. Now look at our world. Whoa. Tata's perseverance throughout this last crazy century is breathtaking.


Z page this week, "Fortune" is a showcase of portraits, females of different ages, each gleaming their particular flare. Jennifer mentioned that the one black and white portrait on the lower left reminds her of my grandma Tata, which is interesting as there is a black and white portrait of Tata in her youth here in her home that could very well be from the same era. ...I myself feel an affinity with this page... for ever since I drew the swirly figure on the right I have identified with it, first of all because of the swirls, as the spiral gesture has become a sort of signature for me, as an expression of my curls, my favorite number 6, and all the "C"s in my name... and then because the swirly one stands on this stage like platform, also in spiral form, and her wafts of expression could very well be song, just as I do sing and love the stage. The woman in black and white seems to be gazing up at swirly cec. It's true that I have had the great fortune to receive the avid support of my Tata in all my creative adventures, in the name of her wanting nothing less than my happiness... and I do not take this lightly since she was born in a world operating from a mindset of 2 centuries ago and she could have easily placed oppressive expectations on how I should live, the ones she grew up with and did even place on her own daughter, my mom. I am so grateful for her putting my happiness first in her heart and being a witness to my life experience.. and thus to what is possible for a woman to live.


∞ ceci
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